I am not writing today about the history of fireworks and Independence Day Celebrations in the United States.
Nor will I comment on the fact that the majority of said fireworks are manufactured (probably by slaved workers) in our most hated economic rival nation, China.
But I have had some observations rolling around in my head, some memories, about fireworks growing up in the U.S.
For example: I can’t help but notice that there seems to be some sort of agreement in fireworks marketing circles that mental instability is a superior selling point when appealing to the typical customer.
The more Physicians Desk Reference notations in the name of your fireworks store, the better. Let us browse:
Regardless of the definition of “mad” - anger and/or madness - both aren’t what you would consider a compliment to the use of explosives by sunburned drunks, don’t you think?
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Aren’t there some mental health activists out there who have also noticed this development? Does this mean that the average fireworks enthusiast probably shouldn’t be allowed around explosives?
On the contrary, I believe you’ll join me in just the opposite: what could be more American than combining volatile explosives with celebratory alcohol consumption?
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Is this a mental health crisis? Perhaps it’s a mental health/criminal crisis. Presenting the latest from the John Wayne Gacy Collection.
Not to mention:
Then again, perhaps a political statement is being made. This one is part of the Putin Powerkeg Series:
In reviewing all these fireworks business names and individual fireworks, I decided to take it to the next logical step with this query: is there a direct association between fireworks and dangerous national movements?
Other than the above specific firework display, I found no correlation between fireworks and the Ku Klux Klan, Nazi Party, Al Qaida, the Khmer Rouge, Armenian Genocide, Rape of Nanjing or Wounded Knee.
Societal Party Bonus.
Hopefully this will leave you feeling better about our corner of the globe. At least, marginally. After all, there is a certain amount of innocent joy in watching good fireworks, especially growing up.
I have fond memories on Lake Michigan over July 4th, watching the adults lighting small bottle rockets and setting off fire crackers. At that latitude, weather was unpredictable from year to year.
One July 4th it would be blazing, with no air movement. The next, we’d all be huddled in blankets, racing down to the beach for the ritual few fireworks, and then scurrying back upstairs to huddle by the fireplace.
One of the better traditions the radio station I worked for in Grand Rapids, Michigan had was renting out a suite atop the tallest building downtown to watch the city’s 4th of July fireworks displays with select listeners and clients.
No neck strains looking up; the fireworks were at eye level.
One memorable holiday, an employee of the fireworks company, injured the weekend before in a minor accident, spent the evening among our station guests, doing a fascinating rolling commentary of the technical aspects of individual explosions.
That was also the same 4th of July celebration when our antics went a bit off the rails. This was the mid 1980’s, and glow sticks and their cousin, the glowing necklace, were new.
Of course, after becoming well-lubed, some of the revelers broke the sticks and necklaces open, then spun them in violent circles. The affect was electric; the walls were splashed with streaks and globs of glowing lime green like some sort of drunken modernist art masterpiece.
Long story short: the hotel suite actually belonged to a well-known Grand Rapids industrialist who leased it out when he wasn’t using it, and there was a general panic that the station would be on the hook for God knows what damages.
But the next day when we arrived back to clean up? The walls and furniture appeared undamaged.
Kids: Don’t try this at home.
I earlier alluded to the zany national pastime of combining alcohol and explosives. We all know at least one acquaintance who suffered at least a burn, loss of a digit, temporary or permanent loss of sight, etc. because of a boozy fireworks mishap.
After all, this IS America.
But one 4th of July, my family experienced that phenomenon with the tables turned.
My brother and I were at the family cottage with our elderly father and various cousins, nieces and nephews, when my father had a strange physical reaction with fairly violent tremors. By this time my brother and I strongly suspected that Dad wasn’t long for this world, and we packed him in the car and took him to the nearest ER.
It was late afternoon on the 4th, and we were grateful the ER was relatively quiet – we were able to get Dad in a room within about ten minutes and on a bed where he could relax. The doctor listened to my father, and suggested that what he experienced was a fairly common symptom of an infection in the earliest stages. He drew blood to confirm, and left us.
By this time, the ER was beginning to fill with your various and sundry 4th of July revelers who were emjoying the results of a cocktail of explosives and cheap alcohol. And even, in several cases, with a firearms chaser.
As the ER filled, the volume increased exponentially. The crying of small children, the wailing of singed adults, and panicked demands of the over-served reveler…it was truly impressive chaos.
About 45 minutes later, our ER doctor blasted through the privacy curtain, plopped on one of the chairs, and mopped his brow with a handkerchief.
We looked at him expectantly, and he shook his head. “Oh! Sorry. I don’t have any results yet. But I came in here for a few seconds – you’re the only sane people IN this place!”
A minute or two later, he took and deep breath, girded his loins, and waded back in the fray.
In closing, this July 4th, please remember:
Use safety glasses when lighting fuses;
ALWAYS wear shoes, especially when sparklers are around;
If someone is injured, maimed, or killed, call Morgan and Morgan – to blame it all on someone else.
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